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Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Four cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop .
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk ... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop .
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk ... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
Makes sense
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Redhead goes to the doctor....
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
What the teacher says… and what she really means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
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