Sunday, September 6, 2009
Good Irish girl
An Irish daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"A prostitute?? Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"A prostitute?? Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!
A good man is hard to find
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her friends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy man entered.
So striking was he that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
He noticed her gaze, and approached her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I will do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition.
"Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
"The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean ... my ... house."
So striking was he that the woman could not take her eyes off him.
He noticed her gaze, and approached her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I will do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20, on one condition.
"Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
"The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.
She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said: "Clean ... my ... house."
Why it's IMPORTANT to understand English
When I got back from vacation last month I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line...Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars... he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla for yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change??"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people, too!"
Short line...Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars... he was a little irritated!
He asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla for yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change??"
The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".
The Asian guy said, "Fluc you white people, too!"
Little Tony
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that Called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds, and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you.
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