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Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Four cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop .
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk ... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces into the glass without spilling a drop .
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said, "Coffee Break.....do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet ... ate the cookies ... drank the milk ... sh* t on the paper ... screwed the other three cats ... claimed he injured his back while doing so ... filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions ... put in for Workers Compensation ... and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave!
Makes sense
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
face."
face."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
Redhead goes to the doctor....
A young Redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
"Impossible", says the doctor.
"Show me." She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?" "
No, " she says, " I'm actually a Blonde."
"I thought so, the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
What the teacher says… and what she really means
1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test).
2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).
3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).
4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).
5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).
6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).
7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).
8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.(He's a bully).
9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).
10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).
11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).
12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).
13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome! (A mouth that never stops yacking).
Occupational aspirations
An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps.
Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
Heaven and Hell
In Heaven:
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are Mexicans,
The policemen are South Africans,
The mechanics are Chinese,
The lovers are Australians,
The bankers are Russian.
The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.
In Hell:
The cooks are Mexicans,
The policemen are South Africans,
The mechanics are Chinese,
The lovers are Australians,
The bankers are Russian.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Ponderisms
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all..
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
13. Think about this . No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket..
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of OLD LADIES running around with tattoos? (And RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
Robbery in progress....
This can’t be real. Why would someone be filming? But it is funny.
Stupid Cops - The funniest movie is here. Find it
Stupid Cops - The funniest movie is here. Find it
WHERE TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES
1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new employees in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.
The pig is a hero... or the hero is a pig
A traveling salesman was driving through a rural area one day when he passed a farmhouse and barn. Next to the barn he saw a pig pen, and in the pig pen was a very large hog. The surprising thing was that the hog had only three legs; the right rear leg was completely gone.
Spotting the farmer near the driveway, the salesman slowed down and then turned in, tooting his horn. He stopped the car, got out, and greeted the farmer.
"Good afternoon, sir," he said, "I was just passing by and saw your hog there. That's really amazing, I've never seen an animal missing a leg like that. Looks like he gets around okay."
"Yep, he does at that," drawled the friendly farmer, "He does just fine."
"What happened to his leg, sir?", asked the salesman.
"Well now, that there's a miracle pig...yessir...a real hero," stated the farmer. "Six months ago me and the old lady was asleep in our bed, and in the middle of the night or house caught fire and was burning down. That there pig broke out of his pen, ran up to the house, busted through the front door, ran up the steps squealing and oinking like crazy! The commotion woke us up and we were able to get out of the house alive and call the fire department! Yessir, a real hero, that pig is!"
"But I don't understand, sir...how did he lose his leg?" the salesman asked again.
The farmer looked over fondly at the pig and said, "After the fire, the wife and I decided...well sir, a hero pig like that...we just couldn't bear to eat him all at one time!"
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