Repairs

Psychopath test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.

This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
(Think of the answer before you check it out.)

Drag your mouse between the rows of asterisks to see the answer:

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She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my email list.
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In court...

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, ''You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.''

Then a voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge continues, ''You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer.''

Again the voice at the back of the court says, ''You bastard.''

The judge says, ''Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! What is the problem?''

The man at the back of the court says, ''Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a hammer he said he never had one!''

Universal relativity

Antares is the 15th brightest star in the sky. It is more than 1000 light years away.

The universe is so vast it is not comprehensible by the human mind.

It would be like an ant trying to understand the wonders of the Internet. It can't be done.

The universe humbles us, as it should.

80 year old new father

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Test for dimentia

Below are four questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately .

First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person.

What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to screw up next time.

Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ?

Second Question:

If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:

Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .

Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000 .

Now add 30.

Add another 1000 . Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

Answer: Did you get 5000?

The correct answer is actually 4100.

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!

Today is definitely not your day, is it?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe.

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Answer: Did you Answer Nunu?

NO! Of course it isn't.

Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

He just has to open his mouth and ask...

It's really very simple...

Your flight is arriving at gate 114

Ping Pong shirt

This will open your eye's widely

Irish joke

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.

They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.

The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.

The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B$@T*RD!!!!"

A good sport

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.

"So," t he coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?
Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "An d when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb asshole' is it?"
Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".

Differences between you and your boss

1 When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

2 When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

3 When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

4 When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

5 When you take a stand, you're being pig-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

6 When you overlooked a rule of ettiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

7 When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

8 When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

9 When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss has a day off sick, he must be very ill.

10 When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

via

Moron

word “moron” in the dictionary and this picture of a guy washing his car in the pouring rain just might be there.

How old is Grandpa?

How old is Grandpa??? Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away. One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events. The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general. The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before: television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no:, credit cards ' laser beams or ' ball-point pens Man had not invented: pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and, man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first, . . And then lived together. Every family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir". And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started. Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios. And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . . . But who could afford one? Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day: "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store and "software" wasn't even a word. And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby. No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock! Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at the same time.

Are you ready ?????

This man would be only 59 years old!!!!

Democrat fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Democrat!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

Almost home

Jokes for the older crowd

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
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An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son. Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me,. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
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The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
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Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
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When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
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You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
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I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
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Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
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Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
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If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
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First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive. So I took her to a gas station !!!!!!!

A conversation

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.’
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?''Oh, I don't know', said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?''OK'. she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

Al Jazeera Weather Forecast

How to properly place new employees

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:

* A. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.

* B. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

* C. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.

* D. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them In Planning.

* E. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.

* F. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

* G. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.

* H. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

* I. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.

* J. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.

* K. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

* L. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

* M. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.

GPS tracking via cellphone

This is unbelievable. You can track anyone via their cell phone by using the "satellite positioning system." Just type in the phone number with the area code and click "start search." Check this out!





Link

32 things you can do with beer

I guess it should be 33. They don’t mention drinking it.

1. Bathe In It
2. Put Out A Fire
3. Marinate Meat
4. Polish Pots
5. Make Beer Barbecue Sauce
6. Shampoo Hair
7. Loosen Rusty Bolts
8. Clear Up Brown Spots In Your Lawn
9. Steam Clams Or Mussels
10. Pass A Kidney Stone
11. Boil Shrimp
12. Kill Slugs
13. Find Due North
14. Soothe Tired Feet
15. Make A Beer Slide
16. Lower Your Blood Pressure
17. Trick A Cheap Landlord
18. Bake Beer Bread
19. Catch Mice
20. Tie A Fly
21. Cure Insomnia
22. Massage Yourself
23. Calm An Upset Stomach
24. Build Your Next Home
25. Cook Rice
26. Stop Snoring
27. Build A Plane
28. Roast Chicken
29. Ice A Hamstring
30. Build Delightful Patio Furniture
31. Tame A Wild Hair
32. Scale Fish

Funny air traffic controllers quotes

These funny conversations 'allegedly' took place between air traffic controllers, pilots and air crew around the world. They are included here firstly and simply because many are very funny; secondly because the collection provides examples of not so great communications and relationships between 'customers and suppliers', in the context of achieving quality of customer service and service delivery.

A military pilot had been having difficulty with smooth landings and the crew was required to make note of the exact time the plane landed at different bases. One particular landing took several bounces before staying on the ground. The crew reportedly called up to the pilot, "Which landing shall we note for the record, Sir?" (Ack A & M Martin)

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

Is it india or some where else

Reflections

Why we need air traffic controllers

What's the difference between a million, a billion and a trillion?

A million seconds is 13 days.
A billion seconds is 31 years.
A trillion seconds is 31,688 years.

A million minutes ago was – 1 year, 329 days, 10 hours and 40 minutes ago.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.

A million hours ago was in 1885.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.

A million dollars ago was five (5) seconds ago at the U.S. Treasury.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.

A trillion dollars is so large a number that only politicians
can use the term in conversation... probably because they
seldom think about what they are really saying. I've read that
mathematicians do not even use the term trillion!
Here is some perspective on TRILLION:

Trillion = 1,000,000,000,000.
The country has not existed for a trillion seconds.
Western civilization has not been around a trillion seconds.
One trillion seconds ago – 31,688 years – Neanderthals stalked the plains of Europe.

Million: 1,000,000
Billion: 1,000,000,000
Trillion: 1,000,000,000,000
Quintillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000
Sextillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Nonillion: 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000
Centillion: 1 followed by 303 zeros

It's all in your perspective

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the trip?"

"It was great, Dad."

"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

"Oh yeah," said the son.

"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

The son answered:
"I saw that we have one dog and they had four.

We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.

We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.

Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.

We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.

We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.

We buy our food, but they grow theirs.

We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

The boy's father was speechless.

Then his son added, "Thanks Dad for showing me how poor we are."

Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don't have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

I'd prefer safe death

Uh oh!

Bath time

Gambling superstion Do's and Dont's

Gambling superstitions abound the gaming industry. None of these has been proven accurate, but they’re still heavily believed.

Do:

• Wear red, especially underwear (originally a Chinese superstition, but now widely recognized).


• Check into a room with 8 in the number.


• Stack your chips neatly.


• Sit on a handkerchief.


• Carry a snake's tooth.


• Sit astride your chair.


• Switch on all the lights at home before you go out to gamble. (At least you're less likely to get burgled, but luckier at the tables?)


• Keep a horny-toad toenail on your person. (First catch your horny toad.)


• Gamble with borrowed money. (Hmm, doesn't sound like such a good strategy to us)


• For crap players: Blow on the dice to breathe life into them/seal in the good luck during a winning streak; give the dice to a woman who's never rolled them before; or rub them on the head of a redhead.


• For slots: Wait until someone gets up from a machine that hasn't paid out in a long time and play that one, as it's now "due" to hit; play a coin with a hole in it to change your luck.


• For women, gamble while you have your period.
  
• For men, stay away from sex and females.


• If you're Filipino, bring your wife to the game if she's pregnant, or they let a pregnant women play for you.


• If you're Chinese, stay away from monks and nuns before gambling.


• Change machine/dice/cards if things aren't going your way.

Don't:

• Wish a player good luck.


• Lend money while gambling.


• Pick up cards with your left hand.


• In poker: Count your chips/money at the table; or allow anyone to look over your shoulder; or sit at the #10 seat; or drop a card during a game.


• In craps: Play at an empty ("cold") table, or say -- or even think -- the word "seven"; or allow a male who's never rolled the dice before to roll; or allow the dice to roll off the table; or speak to or touch someone who's having a good roll.


• In blackjack: Cut the deck (or you might get blamed for a "bad shoe"); or look at your double-down card (although for some people, to look is lucky),


• Let dogs anywhere near a gambling table.


• Touch someone's shoulder while he/she is gambling.


• Enter a casino through the main door.


• Talk about books around Chinese gamblers (the word "book" sounds like the word "lose").

Sightseeing

A little Johnny story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories." Johnny, do you have a story to share? "Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara."

"She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking".

Hell is Much Near

What a cool pic!

The Ultimate Personality Test

My results were very interesting. One thing it determined was that I started a lot of things but had trouble completing them. I have a deck I’m working on that overlooks the river. I’ve been working on it for six years now. One day soon I’ll finish it.



try this out

First day of school

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?", she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

New generation

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing , and..." he then paused to take another drink of beer.

The senior gentleman took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........ So we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?"

The Lawyer

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Real newspaper ads

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE : FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything

The man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN Of YOUR HOUSE'

He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and my word is law!

You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert afterward.

Then, after dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me,
and we will have the sex that I want.

After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.

Then you will massage my feet and hands. Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The freaking funeral director would be my guess."

Meet “Gibson”, billed as the world’s tallest dog.

When he stands on his hind legs, the 170-pound "Harlequin" Great Dane is more than 7 feet tall, and has a shoulder height of 42.6 inches (topping Harvey's old record of 41.5 inches).

Thankfully for everyone, Gibson is just a big, friendly puppy dog. Gibson holds several world records, including the world's tallest dog, tallest therapy dog and tallest Great Dane.

It Remind Me indian Roads

New Computer Viruses To Watch Out For

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

VINCE FOSTER VIRUS: The Clintons’ aides show up an hour after your “suicide” and take your files. Takes at least six months to get what’s left of them back.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by
LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it
requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5
percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort” “Retry” “Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the
other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service
stations across rural America.

ROSE LAW FIRM VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish
anything.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Valueble Test

A very well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $500/-

Note. In the room of 200,

He asked, " Who would like this 500 note?" Hands
Started going up.

He said, " I am going to give this note to one of you
But first let me do this ." He proceeded to crumple the note up.

He then asked, " Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he replied, " What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground

And started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up,
Now all crumpled and dirty. " Now who still wants it?" Still the hands

Went into the air. " My friends, you have all learned a very valuable
Lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it

Did not decrease in value. It was still worth $ 500/-. Many times in
Our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the

Decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as
Though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will
Happen,

You will never lose your value. You are special don't ever forget it!
Never let yesterday's disappointments overshadow tomorrow's dreams ."

Do you Have Answer

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed from a maverick collage life to strict professional life…...

How tiny pocket money changed to huge monthly paychecks
but then why it gives lesss happiness….

How a few local denim jeans changed to new branded wardrobe
but then why there are less people to use them

How a single plate of samosa changed to a full Pizza or burger
But then why there is less hunger…..

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

How a bike always in reserve changed to bike always on
but then why there are less places to go on……

How a small coffee shop changed to cafe coffee day
but then why its feels like shop is far away…..

How a limited prepaid card changed to postpaid package
but then why there are less calls & more messages……

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…...

How a general class journey changed to Flight journey
But then why there are less vacations for enjoyment….

How a old assembled desktop changed to new branded laptop
but then why there is less time to put it on……….

How a small bunch of friends changed to office mate
But then why we always feel lonely n miss those college frnz.….

Here i am sitting in my office @ night…
Thinking hard about life
How it changed…..

I took the test and it said I’m average. I think I missed something, (but I’m too stupid to know for sure). I guess that means I’m an average idiot?


Take the idiot test

Parking In Russia

MyTongue

How to tick people off

1. 
   

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.


2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."


3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."


4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.


5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.


6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."


7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."


8. Practice making fax and modem noises.


9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.


10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.


11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."


12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.


13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.


15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."


16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.


17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.


18. Honk and wave to strangers.


19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.


20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.


21. type only in lowercase.


22. dont use any punctuation either


23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.


24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
    "DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
    "What?"
    "Never mind, it's gone now."


25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.


26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.


27. Ask people what gender they are.


28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.


29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


30. Sing along at the opera.


31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.


32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Hold it just one minute, Emal ( hehehe)

Sign of the times or ha ha ha ha ha ha

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 01, 2005
RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: HolidayParty

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

*******************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

*******************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

*********************************************
FROM:: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F***ing Employees
DATE: December 05, 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks.... I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

*******************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: December 06, 2005
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party.

You might be a Taliban if....

• ..You refine heroin for a living but have a moral objection to beer.


• ...You own a $300 assault rifle and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.


• ...You have more wives than teeth.


• ...You think vests only come in two styles: Bullet-Proof and Suicide.


• ...You've used a Stinger missile given to you by George Bush, Sr. to shoot at a helicopter sent by George Bush, Jr.


• ...You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.


• ...You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry live ammunition in your robe.


• ...You've ever been asked, "Does this burka make my ass look fat?"


• ...You believe the Quran is the divine word of Allah, worth dying for, but yet you don't know how to read.


• ...You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.


• ...You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."


• ...You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon to be "unclean."


• ...You've ever said, "I'd walk a mile for a Camel" and you don't even smoke.

A short conversation with God

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"

God: "To me, it's about a minute."

The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God: "To me it's a penny."

The man: "God, may I have a penny?"

God: "Wait a minute."